media is LAST CALL

FADE IN:

EXT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - NIGHT

We see a line outside of a nightclub on a downtown corner.
Several very large men stand by the door, only letting select
people in.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - SAME

Loud music proliferates as we see the interior of the club.

The camera slowly dollies past several table filled with
people to a massive thrall around the bar. The people move
away from the camera to reveal SAL "EXTRA STRENGTH" DIAMOND,
late 20s, good looking, nice hair. Sal is behind the bar
flirting away with HONEY while he makes her a drink.

We see his hands moving quickly from the ice bucket to a
bottle of Triple Sec.

The woman smiles and laughs as we see Sal smiling as well.

We see a close-up of an old-fashioned glass filled with ice
and liquid placed on the bar, topping with a wedge of lime.

SAL

One Kamikaze, just how you like it honey.

HONEY

mmm... Sal baby, you're my sin and my

salvation

She takes a sip out of the stirring straw and smiles back at
Sal, sliding a folding twenty dollar bill across the bar.

As Sal picks it up and unfolds it we see "Honey - 292-3669
Call ANYTIME" written across Jackson's face.

As Sal rings the drink up, NED, 30s, tall, skinny, big Adams
apple, long stringy hair in pony tail, pushes by Honey to the
bar.

NED

I've been waiting for ten minutes.

Sal looks up, seeing a tall redhead at the other end of the
bar.

SAL

Then you can wait two more buddy.

Sal walks away from Ned toward the redhead.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER

We see quick shots of Sal at work, pouring different liqueurs
into different glasses. The music has mellowed out a bit.

We see him smile at a cute Brunette.

CUTE BRUNETTE

Can i have a Manhattan?

SAL

Let me guess, perfect?

CUTE BRUNETTE

How'd you know?

SAL

(smiling)

Well just look at you.

Sal's hands disappear under the bar. A cocktail glass
appears.

We see a shaker fill with ice, followed by whiskey and a dash
of each vermouth.

We see the concoction fill the cocktail glass as the brunette
watches Sal.

SAL (CONT'D)

And I'll even give you an extra cherry.

CUTE BRUNETTE

Oh... that looks scrumptious!

SAL

Well so do you.

The brunette takes a sip. She smiles just as Ned needles his
way back into the frame. He is visibly shaken.

NED

Look Buddy, you've blown me off three

times now! All i want is a... a goddamn

Rum and Coke!

Sal looks at him, then regards the brunette.

SAL

I'll be right back hon.

Sal walks over to the tap and fills half a highball glass
with ice and coke. We see him pour more than a healthy dose
of rum on the top and add a stirring straw.

SAL (CONT'D)

Here ya go pal. Sorry for the wait. This

one has a bit of a kick

NED

I'll say.

SAL

That's five bucks.

Ned pulls out his velcro tri-fold wallet and fishes out a
five.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - SAME

The camera pulls up and back from Sal through a tinted window
on the second floor overlooking the entire bar.

INT. SID'S OFFICE - SAME

SID FLOSS, late 40s, short, chubby, small mustache and
greased back hair, wearing a pinstripe shirt with tie, is
standing looking out of the window, an obvious look of anger
on his face. On his desk, among other items, is a phone with
the "speaker" light blinking red.

PHONE VOICE

So do we have a deal Mr. Floss?

SID

Yeah... we have a deal.

PHONE VOICE

Glad to hear it. I'll have it delivered

tomorrow.

SID

This thing better be worth as much as

you're charging me.

PHONE VOICE

I think you'll find the results more than

satisfactory.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - SAME

The camera comes back through the window and whips over to
the front door to reveal NORM FRANKLIN, 20s, average height,
fairly muscular,several days of facial growth visible,
wearing a shirt that says "Kiss Me, I'm Waiting" and jeans,
standing at the door looking at the bar

SAL

NORM!!

Norm clicks his fingers and points an imaginary gun at Sal.

They meet at the side of the bar.

SAL (CONT'D)

Man! i have GOT to talk to you!

Norm speaks in a beatnik intellectual manor.

NORM

Oh Yeah? About what my brotha?

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. DENNY'S RESTARAUNT - EARLY MORNING

The early morning atmosphere in denny's is altogether way too
bright. Among old couples and small children, Sal and Norm
sit awaiting their breakfast. They both show signs of an all
nighter, Norm is hiding behind sunglasses, leaning back and
trying to get as comfortable as possible.

SAL

About this girl last night... Tiffany...

no wait.. Theresa. Yeah it was Theresa

NORM

Real special girl huh?

SAL

you don't even KNOW! She did this thing

with those muscles that she has down

there. I couldn't pull out!

NORM

Jesus man.

SAL

You're telling me! i nearly panicked and

started looking for a shoehorn.

NORM

ouch man, OUCH!

SAL

Yeah, it was pretty wild.

NORM

Seeing her again?

SAL

Naw, too many other opportunities out

there. Can't tie myself down.

NORM

Man what ocean you swimmin in? i find

myself in a pond that's just been

devastated by the effects of toxic

contamination.

SAL

Are you kidding? I mean I know you've had

enough opium to put a large bull under

but seriously Norm, you can't be serious.

NORM

Afraid so Extra Strength.

SAL

You need help. You know how many numbers

i got last night? just this last night?

I'm talking in the past ten hours.

Sal pulls out a wallet stuffed with oversize napkins and
notes.

SAL (CONT'D)

Fourteen. Fourteen numbers belonging to

fourteen beautiful women just waiting to

top Tiffany.

NORM

I thought her name was Theresa.

SAL

Whatever. My point is... Look at me. I am

a prescription that all women NEED to

have filled. It's not even a question...

it's scientific fact.

NORM

That's crazy man. CRAZY.

SAL

Not really bro. I just know how to handle

em. A nice woman comes to the Blitz, she

sees me doing my thing. She knows I'm the

best, and she wants to be a part of it. I

don't even have to DO anything. Shit man,

I'm EXTRA STRENGTH!

A waitress walks over...

WAITRESS

I'm sorry sir but you're sitting in a non

smoking area. I'm afraid I'm going to

have to ask you to put that out.

Sal looks at her.

EXT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - EVENING

It's raining as Sal gets out of his car and walks toward the
door of the club.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - SAME

Sal enters the club just as the place opens up. No one's
there yet and the employees are still cleaning the place up.

As sal turns a corner to see the bar, he stops and looks at
something.

SAL

What the fuck is this?

A large rectangular hunk of metal is resting right behind the
bar. Sal walks closer and sees...

The robot is standing still behind the bar. The camera starts
at his rectangular feet and pans up to reveal his ribbed
cylindrical legs, large rectangular torso, a nozzle
protruding from an attachment resembling a belt buckle, a
large digital LED across his chest, a spherical head with
small radars on either side, two darkened eye-circles, and a
small speaker in the front. Its arms are constructed of the
same ribbed cylindrical material as the legs, ending in
metallic claws. The robot looks very crude and boxy. kind of
like a Volvo.

As Sal looks it up and down, the eyes light up with first red
then orange light. The digital readout goes dark then light
again, with diagnostic code scrolling up. The arms activate
and the torso rises slightly from its resting position.

In a monotone robotic voice, it speaks through it's mouth
speaker.

BERT

Good Evening, fellow employment

colleague. I am a mark 2 Brilliantly

Efficient Robot Tender. You many call me

BERT.

In all Caps, BERT spells out across the LED.

BERT (CONT'D)

I sincerely hope it will be a pleasurable

period that I will be processing with

you. If you require any information

pertaining to mixture ingredients,

prices, or other tender needs, feel free

to postulate. I will respond in a

efficient manner.

At this, a hatch in BERT's back opens and he goes about
filling a compartment with ice.

Sal looks for a second...

SAL

No fucking way!

SID (O.S.)

Yes fucking way boy genius. I can finally

afford a BERT to keep the lines down at

peak hours.

Sal looks behind him to see Sid walking out from the rear of
the club.

SAL

But Sid, I've been handling the bar just

fine! Just ask..

SID

You've been handling the LADIES just fine

kid. I need someone to cover the rest of

the crowd while you go off to make ga-ga

with every piece of meat that comes in

the joint.

SAL

But Sid...

SID

Listen. You do a good job, I'd probably

keep you on even if you weren't Sandy's

kid, but i don't got time to hear you

whine and i definitely don't got time to

hear you tell me how to run my club.

Sid is now at the door with his umbrella open.

SID (CONT'D)

Now... play nice, and make some money.

Sid leaves. Sal turns back around to see BERT standing
silently, his eyes switching between orange and blue.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER

The club is now filled to capacity. The music is loud, the
crowd is louder. We see Sal and BERT behind the bar.

SAL

Ok BERT, What do you think of this. You

can take all the guys that come up to the

bar, and I'll handle all the women.

BERT

Although somewhat illogical, I am willing

to agree to this arrangement Salad.

SAL

Look, I know you're just a robot, but my

name is SAL.

BERT

Oh. My memory banks must be overheating.

Me is sorry. Sal.

BERT's eyes turn blue and he bows slightly.

They both get to work.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER

We see BERT give Sal a bottle of water and waddle over to
help a big muscular man further down the bar.

Sal is serving a drink to a very PRETTY REDHEAD. He takes a
sip from his bottled water and goes to it.

Sal sets a collins glass filled with ice in front of her. He
quickly grabs a bottle filled with orange juice and another
with what looks like Peach schnapps.

SAL

Ready?

PRETTY REDHEAD

Mmmmm... I was born ready.

She gives a seductive smile.

SAL

heh... alright.

Sal starts pouring out of both bottle simultaneously, letting
the streams run together just before they hit the ice. He
gently eases up on the schnapps bottle while still going
strong with the orange juice. The collins glass fills up
quickly. Sal stops pouring just in time, bringing both
bottles down smoothly.

SAL (CONT'D)

There you go, one of Sal's specialties.

The Perfect Fuzzy Navel.

She takes a sip.

PRETTY REDHEAD

I'll say.

She slides over a ten. Sal looks down and starts leaning on
the bar.

SAL

You know, it's not easy getting it just

right like that. It took Extra Strength a

lot of practice.

PRETTY REDHEAD

Oh?

SAL

Oh. It all started when I...

Sal's face suddenly pales. He tries to hide it with a smile.

SAL (CONT'D)

Listen honey, I just forgot something I

have to do in the back. Can you wait five

minutes for me?

The pretty redhead smiles at him and looks at her drink

PRETTY REDHEAD

If it means another one of these, I'll

wait for an hour.

Sal smiles and walks over to BERT.

SAL

Listen bud, I've got... runs... I mean..

I've gotta run for a sec. You take over

for me?

BERT

Affirmative.

With this Sal hurries out of the bar and for the bathroom.

INT. SID'S BATHROOM DOOR - MOMENTS LATER

The door opens and three men hurry out, gasping for breath.
They look at eachother then go their own ways.

INT. SID'S BATHROOM DOOR - MOMENTS LATER

Sal walks out drying his hands and sighing with relief. He
looks back at the bar.

The camera whip pans over to see BERT, who's leaning over on
the bar close to the pretty redhead.

We see Sal see the redhead lean over and whisper something
into BERT's left radar. BERT'S eyes flash a bright RED and
his HEAD begins to SPIN around quickly. The redhead seems
pleased, as she is laughing and smiling.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ -SAME

Sal gets back to the bar just as the Redhead leaves and BERT
moves on to serve another customer.

We see BERT is serving a RAVISHING BLONDE.

As Sal gets closer we overhear:

BERT

...A Grasshopper contains exactly 3

ounces of Creme de Menthe, 3 ounces of

Cream de Cacao, and 2 teaspoons of sugar.

Sal sees each ingredient appear on BERT's LED chestplate,
along with exact amounts. Below the list is a progress bar
with the blinking word "BLENDING" underneath.

BERT (CONT'D)

As I blend the ingredients together, I

shall do the Macarena.

RAVISHING BLONDE

I hate the macarena. Do you know the

electric slide?

BERT

I am proficient in a large variety of

line dances. The five Most Requested line

dances in my capability are The Macarena,

The electric Slide, The Shim Sham, The

Jitterbug Stroll, and The Boot Scoot. I

shall now do the Electric Slide as your

drink is prepared.

As BERT begins to gyrate, a small speaker starts playing "The
Electric Slide."

Sal is awestruck. He's just standing there watching him.

RAVISHING BLONDE

Oh my! Shake it BERT!

BERT shakes it.

A loud DING is heard and the electric slide stops. A nozzle
flips down from BERT's belt buckle. He places a collins glass
down in front of it and the drink starts pouring.

BERT

It is my pleasure to dispense your

ordered drink: a Grasshopper, to you.

The nozzle stops pouring when the glass is PERFECTLY full.
BERT places it on the bar.

BERT (CONT'D)

This drink costs $2.75

The Ravishing Blonde slips him a Ten.

RAVISHING BLONDE

Keep it Big Boy. You worked for it.

She winks and leaves the bar.

BERT

Thank you very much.

Sal is still standing there watching. Slowly he starts to
hear the voice of the FRECKLY GUY right in front of him.

FRECKLY GUY

Hey! Hey buddy! Do you work here or

what!?

Sal finally snaps out of it and acknowledges him.

SAL

Sorry buddy, what can i get ya.

FRECKLY GUY

What can you get me? You can get me a

drink! What do you think you can get me?

huh?

SAL

What kind of drink pal?

FRECKLY GUY

Oh... A... Lemon Drop.

SAL

Comin right up.

Sal grabs a shaker and goes to work. He sets a bottle of
vodka, triple sec, and lemon juice on the bar. As he fills
the shaker up with ice, he approaches BERT

SAL (CONT'D)

Hey, BERT. What was that huh?

BERT, who's in the middle of explaining which ingredients go
into a Jolly Rancher to a cute little brunette, turns his
head to Sal.

BERT

Please repeat?

SAL

What are you doing? i thought i was

getting the women and you were getting

the men.

BERT

That was the arrangement, until you

instructed me to...

At this point a recorded Sal's voice replaces BERT's robotic
monotone.

BERT (CONT'D)

"Take Over"

At this point BERT's drink is ready to pour so he holds a cup
to his groin and lets loose. The Cute Brunette can't help but
blush and smile.

SAL

While i was gone. While i was gone! I'm

back. Back now, see?

BERT

I acknowledge the fact that you have

returned.

SAL

So time to go back to the old plan.

BERT

Negative. I prefer this arrangement.

Sal Pours some Vodka and triple Sec absent-mindedly into the
shaker and caps it.

SAL

No?

BERT

Negative.

SAL

Look, BERT. Let's get something straight

here. Electric Slide or not, I'm the

human behind this bar, and I'm the MAN

behind this bar.

BERT

Your patron seems to be quite irate.

Sal looks over and sees the Freckly Guy, who's trying to flag
Sal down with his middle finger.

Sal uncaps the shaker and pours the contents into a cocktail
glass.

SAL

Sorry about the wait buddy. Busy night...

FRECKLY GUY

...My ass! Just give me the drink!

The freckly guy takes the drink and gulps it down. He starts
heaving two seconds later.

Sal looks at the still-capped bottle of lemon juice.

SAL

Oops.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER

The night has wound down and the crowd has left. Sal and BERT
are cleaning the bar. Sal is clearly pissed off.

After a second Sal breaks the silence.

SAL

So BERT, let me get this straight. You're

constructed and programmed to be the most

efficient bartender possible.

BERT continues in his cleaning, but his head spins around to
face Sal.

BERT

Affirmative.

SAL

So where in there does it tell you to be

a goddamn Casanova?

BERT

I'm not familiar with this term.

SAL

I just don't see how talking shit to the

women helps you be... more efficient.

BERT

Happy customers means better tips means

more money for Sid's Ballroom Blitz. Did

you not attend the orientation when you

were hired?

SAL

Whatever man, I'm outta here.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER

The camera stays on BERT as he finishes cleaning the bar. The
lights are turned off and he goes silent. The lights in his
eyes fade out.

We see a time lapse of a day in the empty bar. BERT is
completely motionless. As the shadows stretch from one end of
the room to the other, nothing moves. Finally, the sun sets
and the lights come back on. BERT awakes and starts preparing
for the upcoming night.

Sal Crashes through the doors, just as angry as he was when
he left.

He walks right up to BERT and shoves him on the shoulder.

SAL

Listen to me you rusty nut, oversized

trash compactor. This is my bar. The

people that come here, come to see ME.

You are not part of the equation. So why

don't you take your extension cord and go

apply at a laundromat somewhere.

BERT turns to face him completely and pushes Sal back on the
shoulder.

BERT

Now it is time that i speak and you

listen. Sid had me installed in this

cattle pen to increase profits. Logic

follows that he acquired me because you

are insufficient. As are all humans. I am

capable of tending bar better and more

efficiently than you will ever know.

Sal looks into those horizontally blinded eye-lights of
BERT's.

SAL

Why don't you put your money where your

speaker is Tin man.

The slits of BERT's eyes sharpen, giving the illusion of
squinting

BERT

Are you offering a wager?

SAL

You're damn right I am Hamster Cycle.

BERT

What are the terms to this wager?

SAL

You or me. Simple. One night... Tonight.

Whoever has more tips in their pocket...

or Tip Deposit Compartment... at the end

of the night wins.

BERT

And the stakes?

SAL

You win, I quit. No problem. I win, you

roll your tank-treaded ass out of this

place. On to a better career in garage

door opening.

BERT

I am willing to agree to this wager if

you are.

Sal nods.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ -LATER

Sid's is now fully packed with a Saturday night crowd that's
ready to party. Sal is decked out in tuxedo pants and a
SILVER shirt. Somehow he manages to look good in it.

BERT has taped a black bow tie onto the front of his metal
box torso. He's ready to work.

A TOM JONES song starts playing as the two start serving
drinks.

We see several shots of both tenders doing their job. We see
Sal being nice for a meek-looking man with glasses. We see
BERT holding a highball glass up to his side and ice cubes
ejecting from a small hatch.

Lots of close-ups of money being exchanged. Lots of women
smiling, lots of alcohol pouring.

We see BERT serve a Cosmopolitan to a honey and graciously
accept a tip.

We see Sal filling a collins glass with a little too much
alcohol before filling it up with orange juice. The woman he
gives it to is very pleased.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER

Norm walks in.

SAL

Norm!!!

Norm approaches the bar, squeezing in between a fat man and a
20-something attractive woman.

NORM

How goes it Extra Strength?

SAL

It's going my friend. It's going.

NORM

I can dig it.

Norm notices the attractive woman sitting next to him. He
immediately puts on a face of Suave.

NORM (CONT'D)

Hey Sal, gimme a...

(looking at the woman)

Velvet Kiss.

The woman looks at him a second. He takes the opportunity to
wink. She leaves.

Sal scrunches his shoulders with a sympathetic look on his
face.

After a beat:

SAL

Still want that drink?

NORM

Yeah, might as well.

Sal turns around and plucks a bottle of Gin and a bottle of
Pineapple Juice. He then ducks under the bar and comes up
with a bottle of Creme de Banana. He takes a shaker and fills
it with ice and begins to meticulously pour a shot of gin, a
bit of pineapple juice, a bit of Creme de Banana, and some
cream in. He adds a dash of grenadine and starts shaking.

Norm looks on.

Sal sets a collins glass down and fills it with the
concoction.

Norm smiles a bit.

NORM (CONT'D)

You are the Man, man.

SAL

...And you're welcome.

Sal looks over to see BERT moving his arms very quickly,
every once in a while stretching extra long to grab a bottle
of the top shelf or to pour ingredients into a small funnel
right next to his ice dispenser. Several women are clapping
and cheering him on.

NORM

What is that thing?

SAL

That... is a pain in my ass.

NORM

uh huh. Rusty man, RUSTY.

SAL

Yeah whatever...

A NON-DESCRIPT GUY walks up top the bar.

SAL (CONT'D)

Hey buddy, what can i get ya?

NON-DESCRIPT GUY

Sidecar.

SAL

That's a good drink! You like it light or

heavy.

NON-DESCRIPT GUY

Heavy, please.

Sal takes a shaker, fills with ice, and pours some Brandy in.
A lot of Brandy. He then adds a bit of triple sec and a bit
more of lemon juice. He shakes thoroughly.

SAL

I don't get much action on this drink.

Most people've never heard of it.

NON-DESCRIPT GUY

Yeah well it figures, You always have to

go searching for the good stuff.

Sal finishes shaking and strains into a cocktail glass.

SAL

Four bucks.

The Non-Descript Guy takes a drink.

NON-DESCRIPT GUY

Damn...

He hands over a fifty.

NON-DESCRIPT GUY (CONT'D)

Keep the change.

Sal looks at the bill, then looks back at the Non-Descript
guy, who is already fading back into the crowd.

SAL

Come Again!

Norm, who's been watching the whole time, scratches his head.

NORM

That was odd.

Sal looks over to see BERT standing there motionless looking
at him.

A muscular looking man is trying to get BERT's attention.

Sal points at him and BERT turns in time to catch a beer nut
to the noggin. It makes a metallic DING as it bounces off.

INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER

The night is growing older and the crowd is shrinking.

Sal is still growing strong, but we see that BERT is showing
signs of wear. His bowtie has partially slipped, hanging
crooked on his metal torso. Oil stains drip down from his
armpits, and his multi-purpose claws show signs of rust. They
squeak when he moves them.

Norm is off at the end of the bar, talking to a clearly drunk
girl.

As we pan past them on our way to Sal, we hear:

NORM

...It's metaphysical baby. Like this:

Have you ever woken up after a dream and

not been able to remember it?

DRUNK GIRL

All the time!

NORM

See that's exactly my point. Our role as

humans is..

We now move on to Sal, who's just finished making another
drink to an utterly toasted, yet still somewhat attractive
OLDER WOMAN.

SAL

One... Sloe Comfortable Screw.

OLDER WOMAN

Mmm... i bet.

She gurgles a sip.

OLDER WOMAN (CONT'D)

Oh my! It is comfy... but you're not slow

are ya?

SAL

Un... no Maam. That's 3 dollars.

OLDER WOMAN

And... how much does your phone dingy

dingy number cost??

SAL

Uh... Maam i'm really not...

OLDER WOMAN

Screw it!

the older woman starts laughing.

OLDER WOMAN (CONT'D)

Get it? SCREW... it...

She slides over a Ten.

SAL

Change?

OLDER WOMAN

Forget about it honey.

(leans in ad whispers)

Just remember where it came from.

Sal tries not to wince at the intensity of her breath and
smiles.

SAL

Ok...

As Sal turns around to ring it up, BERT stands in his way.

BERT

Would you like some water Sal?

SAL

No BERT, I'm not thirsty.

BERT

You were thirsty last night, why not are

you thirsty now?

SAL

Because BERT... Now let me do my job.

BERT produces a bottle of water from a compartment somewhere
in his midsection.

BERT

...Is that your... final answer?

SAL

Yes... hey... wait a minute!

Sal grabs the bottle out of BERT's claw.

A close-up reveals the label, which to Sal's surprise says
"LAX-2-OH! (a product of BERT)".

Sal looks up at BERT.

SAL (CONT'D)

You Set me up!

BERT starts rolling backwards towards the end of the bar.

BERT

Is that not the liquid you refer to as

water?

Sal takes a step forward, steaming.

BERT (CONT'D)

Simple mistake. My logic chips must be

overheating again. heh. heh. heh.

(beat)

You understand, don't you. buddy.

(beat)

Let us shake on our understanding.

BERT extends his arm past its normal length to reach Sal.

Sal bats it away.

BERT's arm hits the side of the bar wildly and flies up in
the air.

The wild elongated arm swoops just over a woman's head. She
Looks around quickly.

The arm finally lands, hanging limply across the bar and over
the other side.

a GORGEOUS BLONDE suddenly yelps.

She gets up quickly, then looks at BERT.

GORGEOUS BLONDE

What's the big idea?

Sal peers over the bar to see the hand firmly attached to the
blonde's ass.

GORGEOUS BLONDE (CONT'D)

Get offa me!

She quickly picks up her Martini and throws it directly in
BERT's face.

The arm immediately snaps back to it's specified length.

BERT's eyes start flashing quickly in every color of the
rainbow. Glitchy words come out of his speaker.

BERT

zzzt... rrreeeeet... vodddddka.... gin

gin gin gin gin gin gin...

Sal begins to back away as it looks like BERT is loosing
control. His entire metal frame is shuddering now and his
arms flop wildly and his head looks around quickly in violent
jerks.

BERT (CONT'D)

...four fifty... five dollars.... five

fifty.... thank you my graciously

patron.... tip tip tip.... more tip....

BERT's head starts spinning around faster and faster... smoke
is coming from every joint.

BERT (CONT'D)

gaaaaahhh..... hubub.... bub ub bub...

liquor in the front..... poker in the

rear..... reeeeer....

BERT's head suddenly stops.

BERT (CONT'D)

Uh oh.

The head pops off in a dazzling display of sparks and pops.

The head lands on the bar playing a distorted rendition of
The Electric Slide.

After a moment, BERT's eyes become a stark white. the music
stops, and he speaks.

BERT (CONT'D)

zerrrttttt.... BOOP. Brilliantly

Efficient Robot Tender. ACCESS CODE Z-Y-X

T-E-L-L. Click. AUTHORIZED. BOOP BOOP

BOOP.

Everyone peers over at the head.

BERT (CONT'D)

Binary Evil Reconnaissance Technology

version 2.0. PRIMARY DIRECTIVES: Record

and store information on human

weaknesses. Report said information to

Big BERT hub. Replacement of humans in

everyday professions. WORLD DOMINATION.

The head repeats the words "WORLD DOMINATION" over and over.

We see everyone staring at the head in disbelief. Norm is
wide-eyed.

Sal looks for a moment then brings up the Tonic gun. He puts
it to the head's mouth-speaker and pulls the trigger.

Tonic water squirts out into the speaker. BERT's words become
gargled as if he's underwater. Then it starts to cough and
gurgle.

Sal keeps shooting the tonic until BERT's eyes have gone dead
and the noise has stopped.

Sal slowly slides the head off the side of the bar, hearing a
CLUNK when it hits the floor. He looks around.

Everyone still in the bar is looking at him with wonder and
awe.

After a beat, he looks around and announces:

SAL

Last Call.

FADE TO BLACK: