EXT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - NIGHT
We see a line outside of a nightclub on a downtown corner.
Several very large men stand by the door, only letting select
people in.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - SAME
Loud music proliferates as we see the interior of the club.
The camera slowly dollies past several table filled with
people to a massive thrall around the bar. The people move
away from the camera to reveal SAL "EXTRA STRENGTH" DIAMOND,
late 20s, good looking, nice hair. Sal is behind the bar
flirting away with HONEY while he makes her a drink.
We see his hands moving quickly from the ice bucket to a
bottle of Triple Sec.
The woman smiles and laughs as we see Sal smiling as well.
We see a close-up of an old-fashioned glass filled with ice
and liquid placed on the bar, topping with a wedge of lime.
One Kamikaze, just how you like it honey.
mmm... Sal baby, you're my sin and my
salvation
She takes a sip out of the stirring straw and smiles back at
Sal, sliding a folding twenty dollar bill across the bar.
As Sal picks it up and unfolds it we see "Honey - 292-3669
Call ANYTIME" written across Jackson's face.
As Sal rings the drink up, NED, 30s, tall, skinny, big Adams
apple, long stringy hair in pony tail, pushes by Honey to the
bar.
I've been waiting for ten minutes.
Sal looks up, seeing a tall redhead at the other end of the
bar.
Then you can wait two more buddy.
Sal walks away from Ned toward the redhead.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER
We see quick shots of Sal at work, pouring different liqueurs
into different glasses. The music has mellowed out a bit.
We see him smile at a cute Brunette.
Can i have a Manhattan?
Let me guess, perfect?
How'd you know?
(smiling)
Well just look at you.
Sal's hands disappear under the bar. A cocktail glass
appears.
We see a shaker fill with ice, followed by whiskey and a dash
of each vermouth.
We see the concoction fill the cocktail glass as the brunette
watches Sal.
And I'll even give you an extra cherry.
Oh... that looks scrumptious!
Well so do you.
The brunette takes a sip. She smiles just as Ned needles his
way back into the frame. He is visibly shaken.
Look Buddy, you've blown me off three
times now! All i want is a... a goddamn
Rum and Coke!
Sal looks at him, then regards the brunette.
I'll be right back hon.
Sal walks over to the tap and fills half a highball glass
with ice and coke. We see him pour more than a healthy dose
of rum on the top and add a stirring straw.
Here ya go pal. Sorry for the wait. This
one has a bit of a kick
I'll say.
That's five bucks.
Ned pulls out his velcro tri-fold wallet and fishes out a
five.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - SAME
The camera pulls up and back from Sal through a tinted window
on the second floor overlooking the entire bar.
INT. SID'S OFFICE - SAME
SID FLOSS, late 40s, short, chubby, small mustache and
greased back hair, wearing a pinstripe shirt with tie, is
standing looking out of the window, an obvious look of anger
on his face. On his desk, among other items, is a phone with
the "speaker" light blinking red.
So do we have a deal Mr. Floss?
Yeah... we have a deal.
Glad to hear it. I'll have it delivered
tomorrow.
This thing better be worth as much as
you're charging me.
I think you'll find the results more than
satisfactory.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - SAME
The camera comes back through the window and whips over to
the front door to reveal NORM FRANKLIN, 20s, average height,
fairly muscular,several days of facial growth visible,
wearing a shirt that says "Kiss Me, I'm Waiting" and jeans,
standing at the door looking at the bar
NORM!!
Norm clicks his fingers and points an imaginary gun at Sal.
They meet at the side of the bar.
Man! i have GOT to talk to you!
Norm speaks in a beatnik intellectual manor.
Oh Yeah? About what my brotha?
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. DENNY'S RESTARAUNT - EARLY MORNING
The early morning atmosphere in denny's is altogether way too
bright. Among old couples and small children, Sal and Norm
sit awaiting their breakfast. They both show signs of an all
nighter, Norm is hiding behind sunglasses, leaning back and
trying to get as comfortable as possible.
About this girl last night... Tiffany...
no wait.. Theresa. Yeah it was Theresa
Real special girl huh?
you don't even KNOW! She did this thing
with those muscles that she has down
there. I couldn't pull out!
Jesus man.
You're telling me! i nearly panicked and
started looking for a shoehorn.
ouch man, OUCH!
Yeah, it was pretty wild.
Seeing her again?
Naw, too many other opportunities out
there. Can't tie myself down.
Man what ocean you swimmin in? i find
myself in a pond that's just been
devastated by the effects of toxic
contamination.
Are you kidding? I mean I know you've had
enough opium to put a large bull under
but seriously Norm, you can't be serious.
Afraid so Extra Strength.
You need help. You know how many numbers
i got last night? just this last night?
I'm talking in the past ten hours.
Sal pulls out a wallet stuffed with oversize napkins and
notes.
Fourteen. Fourteen numbers belonging to
fourteen beautiful women just waiting to
top Tiffany.
I thought her name was Theresa.
Whatever. My point is... Look at me. I am
a prescription that all women NEED to
have filled. It's not even a question...
it's scientific fact.
That's crazy man. CRAZY.
Not really bro. I just know how to handle
em. A nice woman comes to the Blitz, she
sees me doing my thing. She knows I'm the
best, and she wants to be a part of it. I
don't even have to DO anything. Shit man,
I'm EXTRA STRENGTH!
A waitress walks over...
I'm sorry sir but you're sitting in a non
smoking area. I'm afraid I'm going to
have to ask you to put that out.
Sal looks at her.
EXT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - EVENING
It's raining as Sal gets out of his car and walks toward the
door of the club.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - SAME
Sal enters the club just as the place opens up. No one's
there yet and the employees are still cleaning the place up.
As sal turns a corner to see the bar, he stops and looks at
something.
What the fuck is this?
A large rectangular hunk of metal is resting right behind the
bar. Sal walks closer and sees...
The robot is standing still behind the bar. The camera starts
at his rectangular feet and pans up to reveal his ribbed
cylindrical legs, large rectangular torso, a nozzle
protruding from an attachment resembling a belt buckle, a
large digital LED across his chest, a spherical head with
small radars on either side, two darkened eye-circles, and a
small speaker in the front. Its arms are constructed of the
same ribbed cylindrical material as the legs, ending in
metallic claws. The robot looks very crude and boxy. kind of
like a Volvo.
As Sal looks it up and down, the eyes light up with first red
then orange light. The digital readout goes dark then light
again, with diagnostic code scrolling up. The arms activate
and the torso rises slightly from its resting position.
In a monotone robotic voice, it speaks through it's mouth
speaker.
Good Evening, fellow employment
colleague. I am a mark 2 Brilliantly
Efficient Robot Tender. You many call me
BERT.
In all Caps, BERT spells out across the LED.
I sincerely hope it will be a pleasurable
period that I will be processing with
you. If you require any information
pertaining to mixture ingredients,
prices, or other tender needs, feel free
to postulate. I will respond in a
efficient manner.
At this, a hatch in BERT's back opens and he goes about
filling a compartment with ice.
Sal looks for a second...
No fucking way!
Yes fucking way boy genius. I can finally
afford a BERT to keep the lines down at
peak hours.
Sal looks behind him to see Sid walking out from the rear of
the club.
But Sid, I've been handling the bar just
fine! Just ask..
You've been handling the LADIES just fine
kid. I need someone to cover the rest of
the crowd while you go off to make ga-ga
with every piece of meat that comes in
the joint.
But Sid...
Listen. You do a good job, I'd probably
keep you on even if you weren't Sandy's
kid, but i don't got time to hear you
whine and i definitely don't got time to
hear you tell me how to run my club.
Sid is now at the door with his umbrella open.
Now... play nice, and make some money.
Sid leaves. Sal turns back around to see BERT standing
silently, his eyes switching between orange and blue.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER
The club is now filled to capacity. The music is loud, the
crowd is louder. We see Sal and BERT behind the bar.
Ok BERT, What do you think of this. You
can take all the guys that come up to the
bar, and I'll handle all the women.
Although somewhat illogical, I am willing
to agree to this arrangement Salad.
Look, I know you're just a robot, but my
name is SAL.
Oh. My memory banks must be overheating.
Me is sorry. Sal.
BERT's eyes turn blue and he bows slightly.
They both get to work.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER
We see BERT give Sal a bottle of water and waddle over to
help a big muscular man further down the bar.
Sal is serving a drink to a very PRETTY REDHEAD. He takes a
sip from his bottled water and goes to it.
Sal sets a collins glass filled with ice in front of her. He
quickly grabs a bottle filled with orange juice and another
with what looks like Peach schnapps.
Ready?
Mmmmm... I was born ready.
She gives a seductive smile.
heh... alright.
Sal starts pouring out of both bottle simultaneously, letting
the streams run together just before they hit the ice. He
gently eases up on the schnapps bottle while still going
strong with the orange juice. The collins glass fills up
quickly. Sal stops pouring just in time, bringing both
bottles down smoothly.
There you go, one of Sal's specialties.
The Perfect Fuzzy Navel.
She takes a sip.
I'll say.
She slides over a ten. Sal looks down and starts leaning on
the bar.
You know, it's not easy getting it just
right like that. It took Extra Strength a
lot of practice.
Oh?
Oh. It all started when I...
Sal's face suddenly pales. He tries to hide it with a smile.
Listen honey, I just forgot something I
have to do in the back. Can you wait five
minutes for me?
The pretty redhead smiles at him and looks at her drink
If it means another one of these, I'll
wait for an hour.
Sal smiles and walks over to BERT.
Listen bud, I've got... runs... I mean..
I've gotta run for a sec. You take over
for me?
Affirmative.
With this Sal hurries out of the bar and for the bathroom.
INT. SID'S BATHROOM DOOR - MOMENTS LATER
The door opens and three men hurry out, gasping for breath.
They look at eachother then go their own ways.
INT. SID'S BATHROOM DOOR - MOMENTS LATER
Sal walks out drying his hands and sighing with relief. He
looks back at the bar.
The camera whip pans over to see BERT, who's leaning over on
the bar close to the pretty redhead.
We see Sal see the redhead lean over and whisper something
into BERT's left radar. BERT'S eyes flash a bright RED and
his HEAD begins to SPIN around quickly. The redhead seems
pleased, as she is laughing and smiling.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ -SAME
Sal gets back to the bar just as the Redhead leaves and BERT
moves on to serve another customer.
We see BERT is serving a RAVISHING BLONDE.
As Sal gets closer we overhear:
...A Grasshopper contains exactly 3
ounces of Creme de Menthe, 3 ounces of
Cream de Cacao, and 2 teaspoons of sugar.
Sal sees each ingredient appear on BERT's LED chestplate,
along with exact amounts. Below the list is a progress bar
with the blinking word "BLENDING" underneath.
As I blend the ingredients together, I
shall do the Macarena.
I hate the macarena. Do you know the
electric slide?
I am proficient in a large variety of
line dances. The five Most Requested line
dances in my capability are The Macarena,
The electric Slide, The Shim Sham, The
Jitterbug Stroll, and The Boot Scoot. I
shall now do the Electric Slide as your
drink is prepared.
As BERT begins to gyrate, a small speaker starts playing "The
Electric Slide."
Sal is awestruck. He's just standing there watching him.
Oh my! Shake it BERT!
BERT shakes it.
A loud DING is heard and the electric slide stops. A nozzle
flips down from BERT's belt buckle. He places a collins glass
down in front of it and the drink starts pouring.
It is my pleasure to dispense your
ordered drink: a Grasshopper, to you.
The nozzle stops pouring when the glass is PERFECTLY full.
BERT places it on the bar.
This drink costs $2.75
The Ravishing Blonde slips him a Ten.
Keep it Big Boy. You worked for it.
She winks and leaves the bar.
Thank you very much.
Sal is still standing there watching. Slowly he starts to
hear the voice of the FRECKLY GUY right in front of him.
Hey! Hey buddy! Do you work here or
what!?
Sal finally snaps out of it and acknowledges him.
Sorry buddy, what can i get ya.
What can you get me? You can get me a
drink! What do you think you can get me?
huh?
What kind of drink pal?
Oh... A... Lemon Drop.
Comin right up.
Sal grabs a shaker and goes to work. He sets a bottle of
vodka, triple sec, and lemon juice on the bar. As he fills
the shaker up with ice, he approaches BERT
Hey, BERT. What was that huh?
BERT, who's in the middle of explaining which ingredients go
into a Jolly Rancher to a cute little brunette, turns his
head to Sal.
Please repeat?
What are you doing? i thought i was
getting the women and you were getting
the men.
That was the arrangement, until you
instructed me to...
At this point a recorded Sal's voice replaces BERT's robotic
monotone.
"Take Over"
At this point BERT's drink is ready to pour so he holds a cup
to his groin and lets loose. The Cute Brunette can't help but
blush and smile.
While i was gone. While i was gone! I'm
back. Back now, see?
I acknowledge the fact that you have
returned.
So time to go back to the old plan.
Negative. I prefer this arrangement.
Sal Pours some Vodka and triple Sec absent-mindedly into the
shaker and caps it.
No?
Negative.
Look, BERT. Let's get something straight
here. Electric Slide or not, I'm the
human behind this bar, and I'm the MAN
behind this bar.
Your patron seems to be quite irate.
Sal looks over and sees the Freckly Guy, who's trying to flag
Sal down with his middle finger.
Sal uncaps the shaker and pours the contents into a cocktail
glass.
Sorry about the wait buddy. Busy night...
...My ass! Just give me the drink!
The freckly guy takes the drink and gulps it down. He starts
heaving two seconds later.
Sal looks at the still-capped bottle of lemon juice.
Oops.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER
The night has wound down and the crowd has left. Sal and BERT
are cleaning the bar. Sal is clearly pissed off.
After a second Sal breaks the silence.
So BERT, let me get this straight. You're
constructed and programmed to be the most
efficient bartender possible.
BERT continues in his cleaning, but his head spins around to
face Sal.
Affirmative.
So where in there does it tell you to be
a goddamn Casanova?
I'm not familiar with this term.
I just don't see how talking shit to the
women helps you be... more efficient.
Happy customers means better tips means
more money for Sid's Ballroom Blitz. Did
you not attend the orientation when you
were hired?
Whatever man, I'm outta here.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER
The camera stays on BERT as he finishes cleaning the bar. The
lights are turned off and he goes silent. The lights in his
eyes fade out.
We see a time lapse of a day in the empty bar. BERT is
completely motionless. As the shadows stretch from one end of
the room to the other, nothing moves. Finally, the sun sets
and the lights come back on. BERT awakes and starts preparing
for the upcoming night.
Sal Crashes through the doors, just as angry as he was when
he left.
He walks right up to BERT and shoves him on the shoulder.
Listen to me you rusty nut, oversized
trash compactor. This is my bar. The
people that come here, come to see ME.
You are not part of the equation. So why
don't you take your extension cord and go
apply at a laundromat somewhere.
BERT turns to face him completely and pushes Sal back on the
shoulder.
Now it is time that i speak and you
listen. Sid had me installed in this
cattle pen to increase profits. Logic
follows that he acquired me because you
are insufficient. As are all humans. I am
capable of tending bar better and more
efficiently than you will ever know.
Sal looks into those horizontally blinded eye-lights of
BERT's.
Why don't you put your money where your
speaker is Tin man.
The slits of BERT's eyes sharpen, giving the illusion of
squinting
Are you offering a wager?
You're damn right I am Hamster Cycle.
What are the terms to this wager?
You or me. Simple. One night... Tonight.
Whoever has more tips in their pocket...
or Tip Deposit Compartment... at the end
of the night wins.
And the stakes?
You win, I quit. No problem. I win, you
roll your tank-treaded ass out of this
place. On to a better career in garage
door opening.
I am willing to agree to this wager if
you are.
Sal nods.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ -LATER
Sid's is now fully packed with a Saturday night crowd that's
ready to party. Sal is decked out in tuxedo pants and a
SILVER shirt. Somehow he manages to look good in it.
BERT has taped a black bow tie onto the front of his metal
box torso. He's ready to work.
A TOM JONES song starts playing as the two start serving
drinks.
We see several shots of both tenders doing their job. We see
Sal being nice for a meek-looking man with glasses. We see
BERT holding a highball glass up to his side and ice cubes
ejecting from a small hatch.
Lots of close-ups of money being exchanged. Lots of women
smiling, lots of alcohol pouring.
We see BERT serve a Cosmopolitan to a honey and graciously
accept a tip.
We see Sal filling a collins glass with a little too much
alcohol before filling it up with orange juice. The woman he
gives it to is very pleased.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER
Norm walks in.
Norm!!!
Norm approaches the bar, squeezing in between a fat man and a
20-something attractive woman.
How goes it Extra Strength?
It's going my friend. It's going.
I can dig it.
Norm notices the attractive woman sitting next to him. He
immediately puts on a face of Suave.
Hey Sal, gimme a...
(looking at the woman)
Velvet Kiss.
The woman looks at him a second. He takes the opportunity to
wink. She leaves.
Sal scrunches his shoulders with a sympathetic look on his
face.
After a beat:
Still want that drink?
Yeah, might as well.
Sal turns around and plucks a bottle of Gin and a bottle of
Pineapple Juice. He then ducks under the bar and comes up
with a bottle of Creme de Banana. He takes a shaker and fills
it with ice and begins to meticulously pour a shot of gin, a
bit of pineapple juice, a bit of Creme de Banana, and some
cream in. He adds a dash of grenadine and starts shaking.
Norm looks on.
Sal sets a collins glass down and fills it with the
concoction.
Norm smiles a bit.
You are the Man, man.
...And you're welcome.
Sal looks over to see BERT moving his arms very quickly,
every once in a while stretching extra long to grab a bottle
of the top shelf or to pour ingredients into a small funnel
right next to his ice dispenser. Several women are clapping
and cheering him on.
What is that thing?
That... is a pain in my ass.
uh huh. Rusty man, RUSTY.
Yeah whatever...
A NON-DESCRIPT GUY walks up top the bar.
Hey buddy, what can i get ya?
Sidecar.
That's a good drink! You like it light or
heavy.
Heavy, please.
Sal takes a shaker, fills with ice, and pours some Brandy in.
A lot of Brandy. He then adds a bit of triple sec and a bit
more of lemon juice. He shakes thoroughly.
I don't get much action on this drink.
Most people've never heard of it.
Yeah well it figures, You always have to
go searching for the good stuff.
Sal finishes shaking and strains into a cocktail glass.
Four bucks.
The Non-Descript Guy takes a drink.
Damn...
He hands over a fifty.
Keep the change.
Sal looks at the bill, then looks back at the Non-Descript
guy, who is already fading back into the crowd.
Come Again!
Norm, who's been watching the whole time, scratches his head.
That was odd.
Sal looks over to see BERT standing there motionless looking
at him.
A muscular looking man is trying to get BERT's attention.
Sal points at him and BERT turns in time to catch a beer nut
to the noggin. It makes a metallic DING as it bounces off.
INT. SID'S BALLROOM BLITZ - LATER
The night is growing older and the crowd is shrinking.
Sal is still growing strong, but we see that BERT is showing
signs of wear. His bowtie has partially slipped, hanging
crooked on his metal torso. Oil stains drip down from his
armpits, and his multi-purpose claws show signs of rust. They
squeak when he moves them.
Norm is off at the end of the bar, talking to a clearly drunk
girl.
As we pan past them on our way to Sal, we hear:
...It's metaphysical baby. Like this:
Have you ever woken up after a dream and
not been able to remember it?
All the time!
See that's exactly my point. Our role as
humans is..
We now move on to Sal, who's just finished making another
drink to an utterly toasted, yet still somewhat attractive
OLDER WOMAN.
One... Sloe Comfortable Screw.
Mmm... i bet.
She gurgles a sip.
Oh my! It is comfy... but you're not slow
are ya?
Un... no Maam. That's 3 dollars.
And... how much does your phone dingy
dingy number cost??
Uh... Maam i'm really not...
Screw it!
the older woman starts laughing.
Get it? SCREW... it...
She slides over a Ten.
Change?
Forget about it honey.
(leans in ad whispers)
Just remember where it came from.
Sal tries not to wince at the intensity of her breath and
smiles.
Ok...
As Sal turns around to ring it up, BERT stands in his way.
Would you like some water Sal?
No BERT, I'm not thirsty.
You were thirsty last night, why not are
you thirsty now?
Because BERT... Now let me do my job.
BERT produces a bottle of water from a compartment somewhere
in his midsection.
...Is that your... final answer?
Yes... hey... wait a minute!
Sal grabs the bottle out of BERT's claw.
A close-up reveals the label, which to Sal's surprise says
"LAX-2-OH! (a product of BERT)".
Sal looks up at BERT.
You Set me up!
BERT starts rolling backwards towards the end of the bar.
Is that not the liquid you refer to as
water?
Sal takes a step forward, steaming.
Simple mistake. My logic chips must be
overheating again. heh. heh. heh.
(beat)
You understand, don't you. buddy.
(beat)
Let us shake on our understanding.
BERT extends his arm past its normal length to reach Sal.
Sal bats it away.
BERT's arm hits the side of the bar wildly and flies up in
the air.
The wild elongated arm swoops just over a woman's head. She
Looks around quickly.
The arm finally lands, hanging limply across the bar and over
the other side.
a GORGEOUS BLONDE suddenly yelps.
She gets up quickly, then looks at BERT.
What's the big idea?
Sal peers over the bar to see the hand firmly attached to the
blonde's ass.
Get offa me!
She quickly picks up her Martini and throws it directly in
BERT's face.
The arm immediately snaps back to it's specified length.
BERT's eyes start flashing quickly in every color of the
rainbow. Glitchy words come out of his speaker.
zzzt... rrreeeeet... vodddddka.... gin
gin gin gin gin gin gin...
Sal begins to back away as it looks like BERT is loosing
control. His entire metal frame is shuddering now and his
arms flop wildly and his head looks around quickly in violent
jerks.
...four fifty... five dollars.... five
fifty.... thank you my graciously
patron.... tip tip tip.... more tip....
BERT's head starts spinning around faster and faster... smoke
is coming from every joint.
gaaaaahhh..... hubub.... bub ub bub...
liquor in the front..... poker in the
rear..... reeeeer....
BERT's head suddenly stops.
Uh oh.
The head pops off in a dazzling display of sparks and pops.
The head lands on the bar playing a distorted rendition of
The Electric Slide.
After a moment, BERT's eyes become a stark white. the music
stops, and he speaks.
zerrrttttt.... BOOP. Brilliantly
Efficient Robot Tender. ACCESS CODE Z-Y-X
T-E-L-L. Click. AUTHORIZED. BOOP BOOP
BOOP.
Everyone peers over at the head.
Binary Evil Reconnaissance Technology
version 2.0. PRIMARY DIRECTIVES: Record
and store information on human
weaknesses. Report said information to
Big BERT hub. Replacement of humans in
everyday professions. WORLD DOMINATION.
The head repeats the words "WORLD DOMINATION" over and over.
We see everyone staring at the head in disbelief. Norm is
wide-eyed.
Sal looks for a moment then brings up the Tonic gun. He puts
it to the head's mouth-speaker and pulls the trigger.
Tonic water squirts out into the speaker. BERT's words become
gargled as if he's underwater. Then it starts to cough and
gurgle.
Sal keeps shooting the tonic until BERT's eyes have gone dead
and the noise has stopped.
Sal slowly slides the head off the side of the bar, hearing a
CLUNK when it hits the floor. He looks around.
Everyone still in the bar is looking at him with wonder and
awe.
After a beat, he looks around and announces:
Last Call.
FADE TO BLACK: