Cannibalism Reported In Upscale Restaurant
By Kierney Toback

According to eye-witnesses, a seagull, universally known as a "flying rat" from a children's rhyme about the beach, flew headlong into a man's neck, gorging its beak into the man's throat and ultimately causing the man's death.

The victim has been identified and James Cooley, 31, employee in the Office of Reconstruction. The bird, which has been detained for scientific study, has shown no signs of otherwise odd behavior.

"It, like, just flew right into him" says eye-witness Scott Frank, a local youth reported on a picnic lunch at the time. He continues by stating "it just flew right into him… into his head. It didn't circle or nothing."