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Bianca called today. She said that she wanted to see a movie as friends. I agreed, although we didn't really talk about much afterward. Very uncomfortable, very strained. Usually I'm the type of guy who doesn't mind silence. Even with strangers I just don't mind. It's like there's some shark reflex in certain people that drive this need to keep moving and keep talking and when they stop they start suffocating. I don't think I have this reflex because I don't feel suffocated. The only time is when I'm talking to my ex. It's not just Bianca either… all of my ex-girlfriends. There's something about having been so intimate and now so distant, it kind of disassembles me and pokes at my little naked insides. Maybe it's the thought that she knows so much, or maybe it's the fact that I can't help be remember the first time I saw her naked or felt how excited she was, but a definite side-effect of each break up has been communication-depth-charge.

Of course, now that I think about it, I don't have lasting friendships with any of my exes. Huh… I wonder if 'exes' is the correct plural of 'ex.' I guess it doesn't matter.

Anyway, because it so rarely happens, I just can't stand when I feel that shark reflex kick in and focus all of my attention on the fact that there's dead air over the line. Since I refuse to say something stupid just to fill the void, and since she knows this because I told her one night before sleep when she asked me to tell her something that I've never told her before, we just hung up. Why do women do that anyway? You're laying there, just starting to feel that floating feeling and not having to think about closing your eyes when she throws this weird abstract question at you. What is this? Shall I answer in the form of an essay? Let me go to sleep!

So now I'm seeing her again. Going to a movie. I really don't know how this is going to go, and I'm not really looking forward to it, but at least it's a good movie.


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